princess

"Every girl is somebody's princess."

 ~ me

This is what I said to a friend of mine tonight. A group of us went to see the new Disney movie "Tangled." (ps. It is a fantastic movie!) As we were leaving my friend told me that he wanted a princess, so this is where I came in with my line above.


I was actually thinking about this earlier in the day before even thoughts of seeing the movie were born.
We are all princesses waiting for the day a prince will rescue us. I don't know any girl who hasn't had that dream. I don't know any man who hasn't had the dream to rescue a princess either.

I was once rescued. I had forgotten that I am a princess and I am special to God. I was putting up with mediocre. I was settling because I thought that was all I deserved. But then God blessed me. He brought some amazing men into my life. Men who know how to be a prince. I was reminded how special and unique I am. They reminded me that I am one of God's princesses. I learned a lot from them. 


I am very blessed with the men I have as my good friends. They hold doors open and pull seats out. They open car doors and carry bags. They genuinely care for people around them and treat all girls with respect. They honestly are some of the greatest gentlemen around, and I am very proud of each of them. I know they will treat their future wives amazingly. 


Just because a guy is not interested in dating a girl, it does not mean he should not treat her with the same respect and courtesies. Men are gentlemen to all women, not just to the ones they are interested in. He would not want to fall in love with a girl only to find out she had been treated poorly by some other guy. In the same way, he should treat all girls in a fantastic gentlemanly manner so as to keep them knowing they are princesses.

If only girls would be reminded and know that we are all God's princesses. We are all special and unique in our very own ways. We should not let guys bring us down. None of us deserve to be treated as anything less than princesses. And we need to remember to act as God's princesses. No man will want to be a gentleman to a gril who does not know how to live as a lady after God. If we would all just remember who we are in God and how we are to treat each other, this world would be a much better place.

crazy texan

"It is a sad moment in the life of a dreamer when it is realized that the world kills dreamers. But it is ultimately the outcome of that moment that leads to either the tragically mundane or the gloriously inspired life."
~ Cody Lidster

I love this quote. I love even more that the person who said this quote lives the life of a dreamer. Too many times people just talk and don't live it out. About a year ago, I was just getting home from a trip with my work to Kenya and Uganda. There were a lot of experiences on that trip that I will never forget. One said experience was eating dinner with a Texan.

We had just endured a 40 minute drive with 9 people in a 7 seater land rover, true African style (and of course I was the one voted to have to sit on top of everyone. such an awkward place to be). Because of being crammed into the middle I couldn't actually see who were in the seats behind me. I knew it was the parents of one of the missionaries as well as some random guy with crazy curly hair and a bandana, never would have assumed he was Texan - I thought they were all clean cut with cowboy hats! We get to the restaurant which was actually just an outdoor food court where about 10 different Indian places compete for our business. I conveniently place myself at the other end of the table from my boss (Love her but sometimes people need a break in a 3 week trip) which put an empty seat across the table from me where the Texan sat down.

We talked coffee mostly. He tested my Starbucks coffee knowledge and we did a coffee tasting which almost made me lose my dinner. He was prepared and knew how horrible Indian coffee was, I was unaware...Love the food, hate the coffee. We also talked about what he was doing in Uganda, how he almost died trying to cross the border from Uganda to Kenya (to think of the things people do just for Indian food...), he showed pictures of his recent bungee jump over the Nile in Jinja, and he shared so many other stories. The food was delicious but the star that night was Cody. He was the most captivating story teller out of Texas I have ever met. He is the type of guy that just lives life and loves every second of it. He understands that life is so precious and he does not waste any moment.

I met Cody at a time in my life when I had almost forgotten about living. It was as though I had hit pause on everything. I was always a big dreamer growing up but through circumstances, I was allowing the world to crush me. I was in a spot of choosing the mundane of life instead of the gloriously inspired. It was just one evening, but it reminded me of the dreamer inside and I haven't looked back since. I aspire to be one like Cody, someone who reminds people of the dreamer inside them and encourages it.

I do not know if Cody and I will ever meet up again this side of Heaven, but he has impacted my life. I thank God for bringing people into my life who remind me what living is all about.

"I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness."

~ Matthew 7:23

What does Jesus mean when He says this? Never is such a definite word. He didn't just say "I don't know you." He said "I never knew you." That one word change makes a dramatic difference in the meaning of the sentence. If I saw a stranger walking down the street then days later he tries to tell me he is my friend, I would say I don't know him. Because I had seen him, I can't say that I never knew him. The never would imply I had no idea of his existence or anything. Can Jesus really never know someone?

The Scriptures say that God knows the very number of hair on our heads. He knew us before we were even formed in our mothers' wombs. How can Jesus say He never knew someone yet at the same time know them before they were formed?

I have thought about this verse before. I actually had a conversation about this verse not too long ago. We were discussing Jesus on the cross and how He died for us. If He never knew those who do not choose to follow Him, does that mean He did not die for them? We all have sinned yet our sins our unique to us. If Jesus had all the sins of the world placed on Him on the cross, then I would presume He would know everyone He was on that cross for. The Bible says the sins of the world, not just of the ones who choose to follow Him. Therefore He must have died for everyone and He must know those who do not choose to follow Him! So does this mean Jesus was not being truthful when He said He never knew them? But Jesus cannot lie, so where do we go from there?


This seemed to be a never ending circle...until tonight. It might have been an unsure comment in passing when first spoken but the more I thought about what I had just heard, the more Jesus' character came true. When God created man, He created him in His image. When sin entered the equation, it destroyed that image. When we choose to follow Christ and allow God to make us new, our lives are restored and we live a new life. We are a new creation. Those who do not choose to follow Christ are not reborn. They never become who they were supposed to be had they followed Christ. Therefore when Jesus says "I never knew you", the most sensible explanation to me right now is that He never knew who these people were meant to be in His fullness. They decided not to follow Him, so they never became that new creation.


Christ has made us new. Let us embrace our new creation and live it so in love with Jesus so when our day comes He will say He knew us.

 

green tomorrow

Back in the green apron tomorrow. Worked at Starbucks for a year, took a month to do whatever, worked at what I thought was going to be my dream job for a year, stayed unemployed for over two months, and now I am back in the green barista position. When I quit the first itme, my regulars thought I was going off to save the world. They thought by working at a mission organization that meant I was moving to Africa to feed starving children (they barely ever asked what I was actually going to be doing.) I thought I was going to my dream job. But I have already talked about that enough. This is about tomorrow. I know people would talk about my job at AIM as a real job, the responsible route, the grownup life. I feel as though the year I spent at AIM, even though it was an amazing opportunity, I got to meet new people and even go to Africa again, I feel as though it was a break in my life. I feel the year was a sort of time out of living. I am so excited to be back in the green apron making those coffees for my regulars again. Being a part of those people's lives even if it is only for 5 minutes, it is still an opportunity to make someone's day a little brighter. I get to be a shining light in someone's life. I cannot wait to be back in that job. I loved being a testimony and a friend to the people I worked with. I loved connecting with the customers. I might not have liked how cold the drive-through window can get but I loved asking those customers how their days were going. I cannot wait to be able to fall even more in love with Jesus by loving my job and loving the people I will get to make coffee for every day. So happy to be living again.

so amazing!!!!!!!

"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God...He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow...He is your praise. He is your God."

~ Deuteronomy 10:17,18, & 21

If that doesn't excite you more than any battle cry, there must be something wrong.

a different kind of plan

I just finished reading a sermon by John Piper - Judas Iscariot, the Suicide of Satan, and the Salvation of the World. Piper wraps up the sermon with this paragraph:

The reason why this series of messages matters is this. If you embrace the biblical truth (and I pray you will) that God ordains spectacular sins for the global glory of his Son, without in anyway becoming unholy or unrighteous or sinful in that act, then you will not shrink back from the cross of Christ as a work of God. You will not be among the number of those who call the most loving act that ever was “divine child abuse.” You will come to the cross and fall on your face. And you will say: This is no mere human conspiracy. This is the work of God and the love of God. You will it receive as his highest gift. And you will be saved. And Christ will be glorified. And I will not have preached in vain.

So now you see the point that Piper was trying to drive home with this message. I picked up on something else though. Another thought stood out in my mind and has left me in awe and a bit nervous I guess you could say.

Piper's first main point was about Judas Iscariot's betrayal. He spoke of how Satan came into Judas. Jesus hand picked Judas to be one of His own. Judas must have been doing something right for Jesus to actually select him. How special and amazing it must have felt to have Jesus select him. Just think of how amazing it is when Jesus has us play a little part in his work - whether it's singing in the choir, helping at a kids camp, even cleaning up the church. Anything Christ lets us do for Him, helps us feel special for Him allowing us to play a part in His work. Judas knew Jesus, personally face-to-face. He knew His beard pattern, the lines on His hands. Judas knew the sound of Jesus' laugh and saw when He cried. We trust in Jesus by faith alone, Judas knew Him as the Man He was. Think of grade school out on the school yard when teams were being chosen. Think of what it felt like to be chosen first. Now combine that feeling with the honour we feel when we are chosen to play part of Christ's work. Judas must have felt 10 million times better than that when Jesus walked up to him and told him to be one of His personal followers.

Then it all went bad for Judas. He didn't clean up his act. He loved money and never kept his hand out of the group's money bag. Too often we let our little sins stay around even when we are following Jesus and doing our little ministries. Judas' sin left an opening for Satan to get in. Satan entered Judas and used him to betray Jesus before the cross. 

God's hand was over every single detail of Christ's death on the cross. It was His plan that was carried out, not Satan's. Jesus chose Judas first to follow then used his sin to let Satan in and carry out part of God's plan. How thankful we must be that God has not used us to carry out a part of His plan as that. God uses sin to show His glory. We must guard ourselves from even the little sins. We must continue to pray and ask God to guard us from those sins. We must remain faithful and pray that God will allow us to be faithful to Him. God's will be done, but I pray I will never be used to carry out the part of God's plan as Judas was. 

first unemployed blog

What do you do when trying to sort out life? I had my plans and goals then they were squashed. I was going to Africa. I had it all planned out. Everything I did was geared towards that end goal. Then I returned to Africa and God used that trip to show me that He has other plans for me. Now I am trying to realize what these plans are. All my training is geared toward a future overseas, so I am essentially starting from scratch. I am learning to just take it one day at a time. I am trying to not figure out any long-term goals or plans. Just simply loving Jesus passionately through my day to day life. That is what this is all about.

one week left

One more week. One week until my last day working here. So hard to believe this year is actually over! All through this year, I have been waiting for this day to come and now it is right on the doorstep. Everyone's questions is "What's next?" I have no idea. For some unknown reason, God is just taking me a day at a time. I am loving it! I finish working here on August 31st. September 2-21 I am in British Columbia loving life then on September 23rd I drive out to Fredericton, New Brunswick for a few days. 2010 has been turning out to be an absolutely amazing year and I am just so excited to see what this fall will bring :)

manhood and womanhood - purpose

"Genesis 1:27 says, 'God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and femlae he created them.' Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking God created us this ay, and then later when Christ came to do his saving work, God looked around and said, 'Well, that's a good analogy, man and woman. I'll describe My Son's salvation with that. I'll say it's like a husband dying to save his bride.'

"It didn't happen like that. God did not look around and find manhood and womanhood to be a helpful comparison to His Son's relation to the church. He created us as male and female precisely so that we could display the glofy of His Son. Our sexuality is designed for the glory of the Son of God - especially the glory of His dying to have His admiring bride.

"In Ephesians 5:31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' And then he adds this, 'This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.' In other words, from the beginning, manhood and womanhood were designed to display the glory of Christ in His relationship to the church, His bride."

~ A selection out of John Piper's contribution to Nancy Leigh DeMoss' book "voices of the true woman movement"

june 30, 2009

Today is a day a lot of us have been dreading. Personally this day cannot go fast enough. I wish it was at least a week behind us. June 30, 2009, an amazing man took his own life. Our pastor, our friend, mentor, teacher, today marks the anniversary of his death.

We are all remembering him in our own way. His family has asked us all to wear red (his favourite colour) in memory of him. Going through Facebook today, I am reading so many notes in tribute to him. If anyone has a picture with him, that is their profile pic. It seems even if people wanted to forget about today, it's not even an option. Memories of him are all around. We all miss him so much. He had amazing impacts in all of our lives.

It's been one year now. I have never written about this before. I am still trying to figure out how to work through this for myself. I'm still not ready to actually do that so that is not what this post is for.

As I read through what everyone is writing, a reoccurring theme I am reading is that we will one day see him again. I have no doubt in my mind that he is with Christ in Heaven. I am not a believer that because he committed suicide this means he has lost his salvation. I am very much opposed to that view. G. K. Chesteron has said a lot of great things however when he agreed that suicide is the worst of all sins, he struck a cord in me and I do not agree with him. I could go on with all the ridiculous notions people have about suicide that I do not agree with but that is also not the point of this post.

The thought of seeing him again has made me question our idea of Heaven. Will we really see him again? When I think of Heaven, I think of the amazing gift we have of spending an eternity praising God. It's ridiculous when I think about eternity doing nothing but sitting in the presence of the glory of God and doing nothing but praising Him! It is so exciting to think about that day!..When I think of Heaven, I do not think about seeing people again. I just have this view that in Heaven no one who we were close with on earth will matter. Maybe I am missing something. Maybe I have skipped those verses because besides this pastor anyone who I have been close to that has died was not a believer.

I don't know why today that is my present thought. It could be because if I don't focus on that then I will be faced with what today really is and I will have to work my way through it but I am not ready for that. There are too many questions that cannot be answered. I just stick with my first statement in that today cannot go fast enough...

~ 63 ~

I sit here 63 days away...63 days away from what? After I clear out my desk, take my pictures off the wall, and hand in those keys, what will I be leaving for? Excitement? Riches? Success? These were all some of the things missing from my desk job, but I don't think they are what I am seraching for next.

When I talk to people about the future, there are two common themes that come up - being wealthy and climbing that corporate ladder. I often wonder if maybe I am too soft spoken, maybe these people legitimately don't hear me; or maybe I am just too different for our worlds to make sense to the other. When I said I am not after money, I honestly meant that. I don't think telling me how to start my own business to help people while making a very health salary is the appropriate response. I don't want to hear about the six figure salaries to be made! Why is this so hard to understand?

I recently made a great friend who, without knowing, has helped me to find a way to figure out what's next. This friend tells about people not by their bank account or their job title, no, he speaks of them by their love for Jesus. So badly I want this to be the first thing said about me! I want people to speak of me like, "I have this friend and she loves Jesus soooo much!"

I have gone in so many circles about the fall. Really the only thing that matters is loving Jesus; I tell people this all the time when they are searching for their own answers - just do whatever you can in order for you to love Jesus even more every day. I just need to find the job I can love Jesus the most with.

I support child sponsorships. I love how these organizations have created this means for people in the west to help the extreme poor in other countries.

I do not support some of the ways these organizations label themselves. They promote the idea that by sending money to these children we are saving them. The people and money of the west are not saviours. The church in African and Asia is growing at an unbelievable rate and these are real Christians, not just pew-takers.

We help them by sending them funds. They are going to help us by showing us a true Saviour.

girl stuff

I love being a girl. Sure there have been those times wishing I had been born a boy to fit in more such as when playing sports or going to car shows or when working at dad's shop - there are only so many times a girl can see that surprised look on a guy's face when he sees her fixing his chainsaw's blade or when he finds out she can change a car's oil. There are numerous other accounts of when girls feel guys have it better but I am pretty sure we all come to the point of really loving being a girl. I could list the reasons why it is so great to be a girl but we don't want to be here for eternity reading through them all.

On many different occasions I have gone through the Bible by studying all the women who had significant roles. What amazing role models! These women knew how great it is being female and they took full advantage of that. Look at Esther, do you think a guy could have waltzed into King Ahasuerus's room like that and not be killed? I am going to go out on a limb and say not a chance! There will always be the question about why the spies went into a prostitute's house to hide but however your view on that is, it wouldn't even matter if it was not Rahab but instead a male prostitute as I am extremely positive those spies would have been way on the other side of the city. I know God could have had Jesus come into the world in another way but for being born a human it was pretty imperative that there was a mother. I am only naming an extreme few of the many accounts of how women helped bring God's plan into fruition, but I think it's obvious that God cares for more than the men. Far too many girls see the leadership roles men have and the great things the guys are able to do and think they are second rate humans because they are girls. I am so glad the Bible included the accounts of these great women and how God used them.

We have huge responsibilities for God's plan and have huge spots in God's love and care. We are His princesses and need to treat not only each other but ourselves in such light. How we treat ourselves reflects back onto our King. How are we reflecting Christ to the world?

be unafraid

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."
~ Francis Chan

John Piper has done an amazing series on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. You should check it out by clicking here.

You may have already noticed but it is getting harder and harder to keep up with this coffee/cafe themed titles for the posts.

explanation of older post "used beans"

On Sunday, May 16th I uploaded a post entitled "Used Beans" and included a video by Matt Chandler. I felt the need to add this note saying that even though the video specifically talks about sexual sins, I was referring to sin in general when I uploaded it. I think any sin can be looked upon the same way as sexual sin is talked about in the video. If you have ever done anything wrong in your life you will appreciate this video.

proper coffee

Is it weird that I have always wanted to go to a finishing school? I am reading a book right now The Lost Art of True Beauty by Leslie Ludy that is all about being feminine and is full of etiquette and all that. I suppose people who knew me in high school would not be surprised by this as I was Miss Etiquette, always giving proper table manners lessons and so on. However I don't consciously let that side show anymore so maybe people surrounding me now would be completely thrown off by this desire. I should hope not. I hope I have not strayed too far from being proper that no one would ever associate etiquette with who I am. You can still climb trees and be a lady at the same time :)

I am such a girl. I have always been basing my future ministry on what my husband is going to do:

- I used to say there was no way I would end up not being a missionary in Africa. I was going to marry/date only the guys that also said they were going to be missionaries in Africa.

- Once I accepted that I probably won't end up as a missionary wife in Africa, I moved on to say that without a doubt in my mind I am going to be a pastor's wife. I would tell people "I know no one really knows for sure what they are going to do but I know for sure I will be a pastor's wife..."

What if I don't? What if God has me fall in love and marry someone who is not in full-time ministry? What if He has a plumber, a teacher, a musician, a whatever for me? What if...? Will I be able to trust His leading? Will my faith be strong enough to follow God's will for me? Or will I plunge into some darkness because God does not place me in a marriage with a man who is a pastor?

I would love to be able to say I will be able to be 100% happy all the time no matter where God leads me, but let's face it - I am in no way a spiritual super hero. God just makes me realize so much more and more every day how I really should not be trying to put my plans in stone as He is the master Planner. He is the one Who puts plans in motion, not me. I can make so many plans and tell so many people that I am going to do something with full sincerity yet I have no more say over that then I had say over what family I was going to be born into. Trusting God's plan for me is a full-time career yet I put it off as only part-time. I take what light He has shown me and I run off in my own direction without waiting to hear from Him. You would think after 23 years of messing up I would learn to not trust my own plans and just wait for God and go where He leads me.

oswald's roast

"It is a tremendous freedom to get rid of all self-consideration and learn to care about only one thing - the relationship between Christ and ourselves."
~ Oswald Chambers

used beans

Even when others around me say how disgusting it is for someone to have done some of the things I have done, it doesn't matter. Jesus wants me anyways. He looks past all my short-comings and He dies for me. Matt Chandler illustrates this here

thank you for bad coffee

This morning I read Psalm 50:7-15. The verse that really stuck out to me was verse 14:
"Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High..."

We "sacrifice" everything to God. We give Him our lives, our money and possessions, our relationships. We surrender everything to Him. We think our 100% surrender is enough. But it's not. That is not what God wants most. He wants our praise, our thanks.

God wants to hear our thanks for the life He has given us each new day, for the sunshine and the rain, for our friends and families, for everything. He wants our praise for the frustrating times, for the boss who does not treat us well, for sickness, He wants us to praise Him with thanksgiving for everything. Then can we say we have offered acceptable sacrifice to God.

w.o.w.

"I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness."
- Isaiah 42:6-7


"It is too light a thing that you should be my servant
to raise up the tribes of Jacob
and to bring back the preserved of Israel;
I will make you as a light for the nations,
that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth."
- Isaiah 49:6


"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has annointed me
to bring the good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;"
- Isaiah 61:1


Isaiah consistently blows my mind!

it's only through the plant that a coffee bean can become anything

Do you know what I think is interesting? People’s perceptions of their own testimonies of how they came to Christ. Those who came to know Christ at an early age and never strayed from their faith tend to think their testimonies are boring. Those who lived through a lot of bad decisions and what’s known as “bad sin” (that has always seemed redundant to me, what sin isn’t bad?) always think of how much better it would have been to not have gone through all they did. Then there are those in the middle. They have pretty much always known Christ yet they did some not cool things or they have always been a great person yet didn’t come to Christ until a lot later in life.

It’s the middle group that always get me. The testimony is ever changing. Sometimes they dwell on the bad and make it seem as though they were saved from a life of complete darkness and horrible things. Other times they focus on the simple things that showed them God’s love that brought them to Him. This has always bothered me. I am pretty sure it bothers me so much because I am part of this group. After being with people and telling my story, I always get annoyed with myself if I have focused on the not so cool times. Why do I do that? Do I think it makes me cool? Does it make the person I am now seem so much better? I do it because I am trying to use my story to show how great God is to save me from that life. In reality, God doesn’t need my story to show His glory. I could totally just focus on all the simple love things He shows me and He would be glorified beyond comprehension.

It was in the times when I thought I was doing alright when God would yell at me. He would smack me in the face with all I am doing wrong when I would be in a place where I thought I was on track. It wasn’t when I was in the worst places of my life. If I am going to properly share my testimony, I need to re-evaluate and start focusing on how He brought me out of the garbage and not what the garbage was that He brought me out of. I need to show Who He is and not who I was or who I am now. Because without God, I am nothing. Without me, God is still God.

committing to the right cafe

I have recently been asked by a few different people why I have issues with committing. Here is what I think:

My very first and foremost ministry in life will be to support and love and respect and encourage and follow my husband and do whatever I can to help his ministry. That may be my first and most important but it is not the only ministry I will have. You know how strongly I feel about people dating others who have no calling to do the same ministry. I fully believe that God had Africa on my heart in His will. I would never say I was out of His will for my life by thinking I was going to be out there. He showed and taught me so much during that time. I had so many life experiences that I would never take back.

Last November my life changed. I would be careful not to say God's will for my life changed because it didn't. God never changes. To God, I am still walking down the same path that I was when I had my life all planned out in the villages of Africa because I still am on the same path. My eyes have been opened to see that Africa was not the destination I thought it was going to be but rather just another part of the journey I am going through as I try to walk closer with God. There will be times when I will be completely in God's will yet where I am at or what I am doing is not the destination He has for me. I am saying all of this to say, after November I took a pause going down that path. I didn't want to see what is after Africa. I am still very slow and very cautious about what's to come but I am seeing more and more with each day. I just feel I want to see more of what God's calling is going to bring to my life before I am able to say I am ready to commit to something and I know that will mean I will have to get back to picking up the pace on this path and leaving Africa behind. Therein lies my main issue with commitment: I will have to commit to the rest of this path which means at least for now leaving Africa and all those plans, I will have to commit to that before I will be able to commit to my husband. I feel if I commit to him before I commit to this path then even though I know it's God's will, I still may harbour some kind of not cool attitude towards him and his ministry because it would be him that would be carrying me down my path away from Africa instead of me walking with God away from it. Do you know what I am saying? Am I making any sense?

Do you ever try to explain something to someone but you don't really know what your answer is so you just keep saying whatever pops into your head then at some point what you are saying registers in your own mind and it clicks and so many things just fall into place? yeah, even if this made no sense to you, it for sure caused a mini revelation to take place for me.

when the coffee pot runs dry

When I was sitting in my doctor's office the day he told me I might have cancer, I realized how short life really is. I know you've heard that before but when a 22yr old hears the possibility (or the probability according to my doctor and specialist) of her body being taken over, a lot of things gain new perspectives. I spent last Christmas so much differently than previous years because I spent it knowing it could very well have been my last. I know we are all trying to live each day as if it is our last but until death is actually staring at us through doctor's words, we don't really understand what life really means to us.

I went in for the major tests last week and got the report back from them. I am clean! They didn't find 1 spec of cancer anywhere! Praise God!!! I will still have to go for minor tests to try to figure out what was going on, but those don't really matter knowing that it is not cancer. Those will be a breeze.

Now that all the drama is over, I am concerned for my life. I am concerned I will forget everything I have learned about truly living. I am worried I will stop living with the notion that I might die very soon. Although my tests came back clean of cancer, I could still die by some car accident or a freak accident at work or anything! The point is we never know when our time will be so we need to live without regrets, we need to live as though it is our last day. I have learned so much about living as if it is my last days through this whole cancer ordeal, I never want to forget that or go back to living as though I am immortal. I was experiencing life in a totally new way and it has been amazing. I was living a different kind of testimony of God's amazing love and grace and I never want to go back to just being humdrum about sharing His awesomeness to my friends and family. That is my prayer now, that God may never let me forget what I have learned about Him and life during this time. I pray He will continue to remind me to live as if it is my last days.

tea fit for the queen

So I don't really have the greatest track record for being attracted to the best of characters. I am very much in that stereotype of falling for the "bad boy" image...maybe if the nice guys would grow beards then I would change my mind on that haha....anyways...

I was recently talking with one of my friends about feminism and women's roles vs men's roles. This is a touchy subject for a lot of people. I was very soft as I entered the conversation as I was unsure of his opinion on the matters. We actually had a good chat but since it was over fb we both agreed to continue it when in person. He did however send over an essay he had written on why wives should submit to their husbands for me to read. He did not send it to me because I was saying that wives should not (I believe that the Bible says wives should so I very much agreed with him). He mentioned to me in passing that he had written it so I asked ot see it.

It was a 7 page paper so I am not going to repost the whole thing on here, but I do want to highlight one section of it. I have read a lot of papers, heard a lot of sermons, and seen a lot of books on why the wife should submit. They all just talk to the wife and go on and on about how she needs to submit no matter what (afterall we are the weaker gender right?...ahem). This one, however, was different than all the rest. He put all the ownness on the husband. He challenged the guys to stop being "little boys who shave" and to start being men. Husbands are supposed to treat their wives like Christ treats the church. News flash - Christ came and died for the church! He gave his life to save the church! Girls, why the frig are we falling for these boys who really don't care about us? Why are we putting ourselves in positions to maybe have to one day submit to a boy? We should be waiting for the men who will sacrifice everything for us. When the men who will give up their lives for us come along, we will have no problem submitting to them. We need to stop wasting our time with the toads and wait for the frogs who will come and will give everything they are so that they can be our prince. I have pretty much described what I got out of the section but I am going to paste it below so that you can read it for yourself. I felt like a princess after reading it, hopefully you will too. If a young 20yr old guy wrote this paper then you can know that the world is not full of boys who shave but there are some really great men out there. You just have to wait for the one to come to give everything he is for you. I hope you enjoy reading the section below as much as I did.

"First, it must be said that to “submit” to your husband does not mean for the women that they submit to all men, only your husband. Many women (and men) lose sight of this in a quick reading of the text. The instruction is for wives to submit ONLY to their husbands. By submitting, I would suggest that this does not mean to blindly obey your husband or allow him to abuse you but to follow his leadership and respect that he is leading you. As Eve was made to be a helper for Adam (Genesis 2), so should women come alongside their husband, join his way of life and help him with whatever God has called him to do in life (trust me, men need a lot of help). However, many women, even Christian women, seem very opposed to this idea. I think the main reason for this opposition is this: unfortunately, far too often “men” of today are seen playing video games, laughing at crude jokes, trying to see who can burp the loudest, disrespecting women and frankly growing up to be boys who can shave. They act more like children who need their girlfriends or their wives to take responsibility instead of themselves. With much dismay, I admit that my gender does not act often like real men should. To be honest, I believe that men today still struggle with the same sin that Adam committed when he let his wife Eve eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. While Eve disobeyed God and did exactly what He had instructed her not to do, Adam committed a sin of omission and just stood there while Eve brought the whole of humankind to sin (Genesis 3:6). While you may think that we could blame Eve for the Fall, God doesn’t seem to hold Eve responsible at all. Who is the first person he turns to? Adam. God directly addresses Adam as responsible for his wife’s actions (Genesis 3:10-11). The truth is, God expects men to lead, to stand up, to man up and take responsibility like so few men do today, continually committing the same sin of omission that their father Adam did. Ladies, this makes the idea of submitting to your husband or future husband seem harder than it should be given the fact that your future husband is typically one of these boys who can shave and continues to lack the masculinity to take responsibility for himself and eventually a wife and children. However, the biblical model of a man says that he loves his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). So, when Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands, he is not instructing you to submit to childish, immature men but to a man who loves you to the point that he gave himself up for you. He is willing to sacrifice all of himself for you, as Jesus did for all of us. This means that if a ship is sinking and there are only spots in the life boats for half the ship, the men give up themselves for their wives and children (quite unlike a lot of the men on the Titanic who got on board the life boats before their wives or children did. They were cowards). Ladies, if you ever find a man that is anything like the biblical picture of a man, I suggest you pursue him. Though they are few and far between, they do exist and to these manly men, Paul instructs women to submit to. In summary, it should be easy for a wife to submit to her husband if her husband is the kind of man God would desire him to be."

coffee is grand

I was just reading through some of my posts I have written. Apparently when I started this thing, I was not a happy camper! Most of these posts are about negative things or stemmed from unhappy feelings. Well that will change...for the next little bit anyways. God is showing me amazing things, my family is phenomenal, and I have really great friends. Life is amazing right now and I feel the need to share that as recently I have shared all the negatives. Time for the good! I don't really have anything specific to write on at this present moment but happy posts are on the way :)

vietnamese coffee

I feel I owe this to all the soldiers, fellow Canadians, and Americans. This whole war in Afghanistan and Iraq has been going on just shy of a decade. I have never really been for or against the war. Yes, I am a hippie thus peace, love, and happiness reign supreme, but I remember where I was for 9/11. I remember feeling Bush was very much in the right in declaring war and sending all those troops. It just never really dawned on me what was going on. I like to say that I try to stay on top of current events and world issues, but I never really cared to understand this. “The Americans are going to fight and resume their world power status and Canadians are going over to clean up their mess and restore peace.” – so often this is the mindset. It was what I understood was going on. Week after week, I see pictures of yet another soldier who has been killed. As I drive along the 401, I see people standing with banners and Canadian flags on the overpasses waiting for the cavalcade of police cars and other chauffeurs that surround the hearse carrying the body of the soldier. My thoughts as I see all this are “Another one down all for the sake of peace from the mess the Americans brought. That sucks….I’m glad I got on the road when I did or I would be stuck in the horrendous traffic that follows the motorcade.” I understood that lives were on the line, I knew a horrific war was taking place across the ocean, but I stayed numb to it all.

I have heard many Americans talk about war. That could be why I chose to stay ignorant of it all. They would bash our Canadians not doing anything but being friendly and then go on to talk about all their big guns and ammunition. This was the mindset of America and all its citizens and soldiers in my mind. It just made the war a bloodthirsty buffet for the Americans. That’s always the way it sounded, so I chose not to think about it. I decided I would never talk about this war because hearing what people had to say was just stupid. They didn’t understand what was going on either but they wanted to sound tough and rough like “real” men.

About a month ago, I took a trip with one of my friends down to Washington, DC to visit my friend, David. That first night we went right into the city to tour around the monuments. Saw the ominous Washington tower, observed the ever cool attitude displayed in the Lincoln monument, and even made it across the river to see Jefferson. They were all amazing and I would love to go back one day when I have more time, but none of them impacted me so much as a long black granite wall. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial has forever changed the way I think about soldiers and war. There are 58,261 names on this memorial. When I went to www.thewall-usa.com to find that number, I also found a wall birthdays page. On this page I could see who would have celebrated their birthday today. They also put the ages of those soldiers, most were younger than I am.

David recently went on a trip to Vietnam to find out more about his grandpa who was a soldier in the Vietnam War. After he showed us his grandpa’s name on the wall, he told us his grandpa’s legacy. Just as the wars of today, I did not understand what the Americans were fighting for so after his grandpa’s story, I asked David to explain what the war was all about. As we stood that night in front of the memorial and he went on to explain all about the war, I was grateful for the shroud of night because if it had been daylight I would not have been able to hide the tears that were taking over my eyes. Many times I was overcome because of what these soldiers were fighting for. I could have spent an eternity looking at the wall and thinking of the story behind it

The war started with communist Northern Vietnam trying to take over South Vietnam. Not only did Vietnam have to fight the war against Northern Vietnam but there were also some communist groups in South Vietnam fighting guerrilla style against them. This is where the Americans come in. They see South Vietnam about to be taken over by this communist regime so they stepped in to try to save them. There is so much more to this history but this is where it got to me. There are over fifty thousand names on that wall, not five thousand or five hundred but over fifty thousand! And that’s not even mentioning all those soldiers who were able to come home but came home with missing limbs or some other physical scars or the traumatizing mental scars that war can leave. These were not lost soldiers because the American army is on the hunt for more kills. These lives were not taken because the American government wanted to show how they are the most powerful country in the world. No, these were lives of brave men and women who cared about the lives of the people of Vietnam. They fought for the freedom of civilians on the other side of the globe! These were strangers, didn’t even speak the same language, yet America sacrificed so many for their cause.

Now anytime I hear anything about any of the wars going on today I think back to that wall and that story and my heart swells up with pride. I may not be American but I know that is how both the Canadian and American armies are fighting today. Yes, they are fighting for our freedom and protection of our own countries, but they are also fighting for the rights of the civilians of those countries as well.

I guess this is somewhat of an apology to soldiers as well to the Canadians and Americans who support them. It’s not that I did not care; I just did not understand and chose to stay that way. I still do not fully understand, but I am not numb to it anymore. All those soldiers are real people with real names and real families. They all have real beds back home and maybe even have their own dog. Yet they choose to leave all of that behind to fight for complete strangers…

Forever in awe

don't abuse the coffee plant

I was reading Isaiah this morning, more specifically chapter 24 vs. 5: "The earth lies defiled under its inhabitants; for they have transgressed the laws, violated the statutes, broken the everlasting covenant." Do you ever think of what the earth would say to us if it could speak our language? What would the stars shout down to us as we look up admiring them? What do the mountains and the oceans or the colourful fall leaves want to tell us? I certainly have never thought about it before reading that verse. We always walk around saying "The heavens declare Your handiwork" or those stars show the glory of God and so on. This verse makes me think. Yes, they do show amazing glory to God. All of nature around us does the job it was made to do - bring God glory. With every sunrise, bird song, shooting star, and budding flower, glory is given to God. Nature can't do much, but we can. God made us in His image. God sent His Son to us. We are God's pride and joy. Yet we forget what we are here for. We forget that no matter what we are doing, we are to be bringing God glory. We are to show God in our every act just as the stars do as they climb to the sky above us every night. I think if nature could tell us one thing it would be "Smarten up and get your act together. All of you not glorifying God like you should be is making all of us look bad." Because of humanity's sins, there was a flood over the whole earth. Because of humanity's sins, there are earthquakes and wars destroying the land. Because of humanity's sins, there will be fire devouring the whole universe. Maybe we should all start being better at taking care of the earth, after all we are the ones who ruined its future. "The earth lies defiled under its inhabitants..."

wait a second, a latte is just milk and espresso!!

I just had a revelation as to why I never share what's going on in my life! I was sitting here at work, I had just messed up huge and was pouting how there has been nothing good happen in 2010 yet. I sent my sister a text saying I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in 2011. I am done with all the bad of this year so far. She texted me back saying "at least you're not in Haiti." Well frig...My family is reknown for this. When someone is complaining about anything, we all point out how their problems really are no where near as bad as they think they are. I am not open about the happenings in my life because when I keep them to myself I can still secretly pout about them! If I was to share what's going on, then without a doubt I know someone would show me how I really have no right to pout about anything. There is my revelation for today.

chocolate covered espresso beans

A smile is a very small gesture but it can brighten someone's entire day.
A smile takes up so very little room yet it can hide an entire life of hurt.
A smile takes such small effort but it can be one of the more contagious actions.
A smile is something even small babies can do yet it can have the strength of lions to cover up the tears threatening to fall.
A smile has a family history that has touched every single person since Adam and Eve yet every new smile born brings its own amazing new adventures.
A smile can be the predecessor of laughs but it could also be the camouflage of pain.
A smile can be a warm welcome...or a smile can be a silent cry for help.

Show love to everyone for you never know what the smile is really saying.

is it a latte or a cappucino?

Has anyone ever called you by the wrong name? The first couple of times it is somewhat funny but repeatedly being called by someone else's name starts to get old really really fast. For me it is like someone not even acknowledging my own existence. I am proud of being different than everyone. I thrive on being unique so when someone can't remember that I am myself and not someone else it really bothers me after repeatedly telling them that I am not that other person. We had a team meeting today about out mission trip to Toronto's homeless this summer. We read a poem that named certain homeless people by their actual names. A point that was made was that when we don't know someone they are just another homeless person but once we know their name it is like it gives them an existence. It kinda brought the point home to me in that if someone can't make my existence priority enough in their life to remember my name then I really should not concern myself with them.

if it has to be decaff

Tomorrow is a big day. I have preliminary testings with the specialist who will be doing the big tests in a little while. I have been all over the map with my responses to this whole cancer scare. I will probably never forget that day in the doctor's office. You would have to know my doctor to fully appreciate this story. He is the type of doctor that never ever ever prescribes medication. He has solved all of my sicknesses with simple changes to my diet. He does not believe in pumping people full of chemicals to cover up their illnesses. (Because that is all prescription drugs do, they just cover up the symptoms. They rarely if ever actually cure someone.) Never have I seen up stressed about my questions or symptoms I have gone to see him about. In other words, he is very down to earth and does not get worked up about his patients' symptoms. He knows how to keep people calm and how to help them realize just because little Jimmy has a bruise on his arm it does not mean it will have to be amputated. When I went to him about random bruises and super dizzy spells, instead of referring to a lot of blood work and thinking of the worst case scenario, he simply showed me how to breathe while stretching so as to not cut off the oxygen flow to my brain and told me to stop being so clumsy as to repeatedly walk into walls and tables. (I still swear the walls keep moving.) All that to say when that day came when I was sitting in his office and saw him scared about what could possibly be going on inside me, it showed me how serious this might be.

I didn't react to what he was saying while I was in his office. It was more shock that was washing over me. All I could think about was how many people in my family history have died from cancer. It is a disgusting thing to think about. It was not until I walked out of his office and was sitting in my car did it hit me what this might mean. I decided right there that if this does turn out to be cancer, it will not kill me. My family will not see me weak and sick. I will stay strong and battle this out.

Outside my parents and sisters, no one in my family believes in God. This thought struck me as I sat in my car outside the doctor's office. I had prayed just a few days before for my family. I had asked God to use anything to please show them His love and grace so they might come to Him. That prayer came back to my memory. Could God be allowing cancer in my body to bring their attention to Him? At that moment I felt honoured. I told God that if I need to have cancer in order for my grandparents to know His saving grace then bring it on. I dedicated myself to be a testimony through it all so they might know Him. If the verdict was to come back that it is cancer, I would tell my parents and my sisters that they too need to be strong and be the testimonies our family needs to see. This does not mean I am asking for cancer; I am just asking to be used however He wills. I am begging even if it means for me to go through the hell that is cancer, my family might be saved.

I am nervous about tomorrow. I am praying it all comes back clean as a slate. I am just writing all this so I am reminded of the sacrifice I signed up for. I pray with all my heart that I am healthy and cancer-free but more than that I pray that I will be willing to be used however God wills. If that means cancer then so be it but let's pray He has another plan for me.

excuse me, miss barista, but there is a fly in my coffee

Ever have one of those situations where you just want to leave it up to God but you don't know how much you should do? I know some of you are saying once it is in God's hands, I should leave it all alone and do nothing. Well in response to that I say God says He will take care of us and provide our every need. He tells us not to worry about our clothes, but if we don't reach out to put the clothes He has provided us with, we will walk around naked. Yes, God is in control of everything and yes, we can depend on Him for everything but He doesn't want us to be like little infants who He needs to feed and bathe.

I recently had a situation come up and I gave it all to God. At the time I was most concerned about it I read this illustration in a Max Lucado book about a fly in a plane. He pointed out that the fly is flying in the flying plane but it could just sit and relax and let the plane do all the flying. I shouldn't worry about trying to do all these things. God is in control and I should just let Him be in control. I remind myself a lot to not be the fly flying in the flying plane. That was ok, I could manage doing that because there never was an opportunity for me to try to fix the situation. Until now. There is ample opportunity for me but I don't know what to do now. I left it all to God so does that mean I should make myself unavailable and they would have to search me out for this situation to be fixed or has God made it so that I am available and should I let myself stay very available and then deal with the issue that arises when they don't even try to fix it even though I am right there?! God makes every answer available so that I might know what the best one for me is, however He does not always make it a black and white option. He gives us all situations that we need to think through and figure out what to do with what positions He has put us in. So as I go to refill my coffee cup I will be thinking of the pros and cons of the choice I have to make.

someone burnt my espresso!

Ever have one of those days where you are so frustrated all you want to do is cry? A day when everyone around you except for the one causing the frustration can see how you are a ticking bomb? You work so hard to do everything so well yet the one person you are doing it for brushes it off like it's nothing or tells you that it is all wrong. I guess that is the way God feels with us. He is trying to have complete control of our lives, trying to lead us in the right path for our own benefit yet we don't give Him the control. He knows what is best yet we want things done our own way. So many times when my work is unappreciated or when everyone knows my way is right except for that one person, I just want to give up. I just want to put on my coat, clear out my office, and go home. I wonder how many times God would have left me. How many times have I frustrated God because I wouldn't accept that His way is the best way? Thankfully God promised to never leave us or forsake us, or His office probably would have been cleared out a very very long time ago.

welcome to the cafe

I am not a talker. Only one time in my life have I ever been told that I am good at putting my thoughts into verbal communication. If you want to know what I really think or feel about something, get me to write you a letter. Where verbal communication fails me, written language does not. Something that I can only say ten words about can come through in a five page letter. The realization of this came when I was going through some tough times and my roommate was getting frustrated with me since I did not talk about what was going on. She said I needed to figure out a way to deal with my thoughts and get them out before I blew up from all the thoughts just getting jammed in there with no way of escape. Thus started my letter writing. If I was mad at someone, I would write them a letter. If I had so much I wanted to say to someone, I would write them a letter. No matter what I was going through I would write a letter. Some of you might be wondering if a letter was lost in the mail and that's why you have never received a letter. Well, the postman is awesome and never loses any of my letters. I have never mailed one single letter to anyone. I write the letter and then it stays in my notebook. Just getting the thoughts out on paper helps so much. I do not know if I could ever have anyone read what I write in those letters. Not only am I not mailing the letters but most of the time the letters are to God. I write my prayers out in letter form a lot of the time. It helps me work through things. It is also a way of keeping track of when prayers are answered. It is a very encouraging thing to go through that notebook and to see the prayers and remember when and how they were answered. I highly recommend it.

Ok so now you know about the letters, but what is this about coffee you are wondering. Well, although I am not a talker, there have been times I have been able to discuss thoughts and opinions or ideas and dreams with people. These conversations almost always occur with a coffee in hand. There is just something about coffee that brings about a feeling of relaxation and trust. Being able to be open with someone is just made so much easier with a mug of hot liquid in my hands. So that is what this is about: being open. Mainly being open about what God is teaching me, but also being open about life and dreams and how those three all come together. I know I am learning a lot as I write all the letters (I guess in this case they would be called "posts"), and hopefully you will also be able to apply something you read here to help in your own walk.