it's only through the plant that a coffee bean can become anything

Do you know what I think is interesting? People’s perceptions of their own testimonies of how they came to Christ. Those who came to know Christ at an early age and never strayed from their faith tend to think their testimonies are boring. Those who lived through a lot of bad decisions and what’s known as “bad sin” (that has always seemed redundant to me, what sin isn’t bad?) always think of how much better it would have been to not have gone through all they did. Then there are those in the middle. They have pretty much always known Christ yet they did some not cool things or they have always been a great person yet didn’t come to Christ until a lot later in life.

It’s the middle group that always get me. The testimony is ever changing. Sometimes they dwell on the bad and make it seem as though they were saved from a life of complete darkness and horrible things. Other times they focus on the simple things that showed them God’s love that brought them to Him. This has always bothered me. I am pretty sure it bothers me so much because I am part of this group. After being with people and telling my story, I always get annoyed with myself if I have focused on the not so cool times. Why do I do that? Do I think it makes me cool? Does it make the person I am now seem so much better? I do it because I am trying to use my story to show how great God is to save me from that life. In reality, God doesn’t need my story to show His glory. I could totally just focus on all the simple love things He shows me and He would be glorified beyond comprehension.

It was in the times when I thought I was doing alright when God would yell at me. He would smack me in the face with all I am doing wrong when I would be in a place where I thought I was on track. It wasn’t when I was in the worst places of my life. If I am going to properly share my testimony, I need to re-evaluate and start focusing on how He brought me out of the garbage and not what the garbage was that He brought me out of. I need to show Who He is and not who I was or who I am now. Because without God, I am nothing. Without me, God is still God.

committing to the right cafe

I have recently been asked by a few different people why I have issues with committing. Here is what I think:

My very first and foremost ministry in life will be to support and love and respect and encourage and follow my husband and do whatever I can to help his ministry. That may be my first and most important but it is not the only ministry I will have. You know how strongly I feel about people dating others who have no calling to do the same ministry. I fully believe that God had Africa on my heart in His will. I would never say I was out of His will for my life by thinking I was going to be out there. He showed and taught me so much during that time. I had so many life experiences that I would never take back.

Last November my life changed. I would be careful not to say God's will for my life changed because it didn't. God never changes. To God, I am still walking down the same path that I was when I had my life all planned out in the villages of Africa because I still am on the same path. My eyes have been opened to see that Africa was not the destination I thought it was going to be but rather just another part of the journey I am going through as I try to walk closer with God. There will be times when I will be completely in God's will yet where I am at or what I am doing is not the destination He has for me. I am saying all of this to say, after November I took a pause going down that path. I didn't want to see what is after Africa. I am still very slow and very cautious about what's to come but I am seeing more and more with each day. I just feel I want to see more of what God's calling is going to bring to my life before I am able to say I am ready to commit to something and I know that will mean I will have to get back to picking up the pace on this path and leaving Africa behind. Therein lies my main issue with commitment: I will have to commit to the rest of this path which means at least for now leaving Africa and all those plans, I will have to commit to that before I will be able to commit to my husband. I feel if I commit to him before I commit to this path then even though I know it's God's will, I still may harbour some kind of not cool attitude towards him and his ministry because it would be him that would be carrying me down my path away from Africa instead of me walking with God away from it. Do you know what I am saying? Am I making any sense?

Do you ever try to explain something to someone but you don't really know what your answer is so you just keep saying whatever pops into your head then at some point what you are saying registers in your own mind and it clicks and so many things just fall into place? yeah, even if this made no sense to you, it for sure caused a mini revelation to take place for me.

when the coffee pot runs dry

When I was sitting in my doctor's office the day he told me I might have cancer, I realized how short life really is. I know you've heard that before but when a 22yr old hears the possibility (or the probability according to my doctor and specialist) of her body being taken over, a lot of things gain new perspectives. I spent last Christmas so much differently than previous years because I spent it knowing it could very well have been my last. I know we are all trying to live each day as if it is our last but until death is actually staring at us through doctor's words, we don't really understand what life really means to us.

I went in for the major tests last week and got the report back from them. I am clean! They didn't find 1 spec of cancer anywhere! Praise God!!! I will still have to go for minor tests to try to figure out what was going on, but those don't really matter knowing that it is not cancer. Those will be a breeze.

Now that all the drama is over, I am concerned for my life. I am concerned I will forget everything I have learned about truly living. I am worried I will stop living with the notion that I might die very soon. Although my tests came back clean of cancer, I could still die by some car accident or a freak accident at work or anything! The point is we never know when our time will be so we need to live without regrets, we need to live as though it is our last day. I have learned so much about living as if it is my last days through this whole cancer ordeal, I never want to forget that or go back to living as though I am immortal. I was experiencing life in a totally new way and it has been amazing. I was living a different kind of testimony of God's amazing love and grace and I never want to go back to just being humdrum about sharing His awesomeness to my friends and family. That is my prayer now, that God may never let me forget what I have learned about Him and life during this time. I pray He will continue to remind me to live as if it is my last days.

tea fit for the queen

So I don't really have the greatest track record for being attracted to the best of characters. I am very much in that stereotype of falling for the "bad boy" image...maybe if the nice guys would grow beards then I would change my mind on that haha....anyways...

I was recently talking with one of my friends about feminism and women's roles vs men's roles. This is a touchy subject for a lot of people. I was very soft as I entered the conversation as I was unsure of his opinion on the matters. We actually had a good chat but since it was over fb we both agreed to continue it when in person. He did however send over an essay he had written on why wives should submit to their husbands for me to read. He did not send it to me because I was saying that wives should not (I believe that the Bible says wives should so I very much agreed with him). He mentioned to me in passing that he had written it so I asked ot see it.

It was a 7 page paper so I am not going to repost the whole thing on here, but I do want to highlight one section of it. I have read a lot of papers, heard a lot of sermons, and seen a lot of books on why the wife should submit. They all just talk to the wife and go on and on about how she needs to submit no matter what (afterall we are the weaker gender right?...ahem). This one, however, was different than all the rest. He put all the ownness on the husband. He challenged the guys to stop being "little boys who shave" and to start being men. Husbands are supposed to treat their wives like Christ treats the church. News flash - Christ came and died for the church! He gave his life to save the church! Girls, why the frig are we falling for these boys who really don't care about us? Why are we putting ourselves in positions to maybe have to one day submit to a boy? We should be waiting for the men who will sacrifice everything for us. When the men who will give up their lives for us come along, we will have no problem submitting to them. We need to stop wasting our time with the toads and wait for the frogs who will come and will give everything they are so that they can be our prince. I have pretty much described what I got out of the section but I am going to paste it below so that you can read it for yourself. I felt like a princess after reading it, hopefully you will too. If a young 20yr old guy wrote this paper then you can know that the world is not full of boys who shave but there are some really great men out there. You just have to wait for the one to come to give everything he is for you. I hope you enjoy reading the section below as much as I did.

"First, it must be said that to “submit” to your husband does not mean for the women that they submit to all men, only your husband. Many women (and men) lose sight of this in a quick reading of the text. The instruction is for wives to submit ONLY to their husbands. By submitting, I would suggest that this does not mean to blindly obey your husband or allow him to abuse you but to follow his leadership and respect that he is leading you. As Eve was made to be a helper for Adam (Genesis 2), so should women come alongside their husband, join his way of life and help him with whatever God has called him to do in life (trust me, men need a lot of help). However, many women, even Christian women, seem very opposed to this idea. I think the main reason for this opposition is this: unfortunately, far too often “men” of today are seen playing video games, laughing at crude jokes, trying to see who can burp the loudest, disrespecting women and frankly growing up to be boys who can shave. They act more like children who need their girlfriends or their wives to take responsibility instead of themselves. With much dismay, I admit that my gender does not act often like real men should. To be honest, I believe that men today still struggle with the same sin that Adam committed when he let his wife Eve eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. While Eve disobeyed God and did exactly what He had instructed her not to do, Adam committed a sin of omission and just stood there while Eve brought the whole of humankind to sin (Genesis 3:6). While you may think that we could blame Eve for the Fall, God doesn’t seem to hold Eve responsible at all. Who is the first person he turns to? Adam. God directly addresses Adam as responsible for his wife’s actions (Genesis 3:10-11). The truth is, God expects men to lead, to stand up, to man up and take responsibility like so few men do today, continually committing the same sin of omission that their father Adam did. Ladies, this makes the idea of submitting to your husband or future husband seem harder than it should be given the fact that your future husband is typically one of these boys who can shave and continues to lack the masculinity to take responsibility for himself and eventually a wife and children. However, the biblical model of a man says that he loves his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). So, when Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands, he is not instructing you to submit to childish, immature men but to a man who loves you to the point that he gave himself up for you. He is willing to sacrifice all of himself for you, as Jesus did for all of us. This means that if a ship is sinking and there are only spots in the life boats for half the ship, the men give up themselves for their wives and children (quite unlike a lot of the men on the Titanic who got on board the life boats before their wives or children did. They were cowards). Ladies, if you ever find a man that is anything like the biblical picture of a man, I suggest you pursue him. Though they are few and far between, they do exist and to these manly men, Paul instructs women to submit to. In summary, it should be easy for a wife to submit to her husband if her husband is the kind of man God would desire him to be."

coffee is grand

I was just reading through some of my posts I have written. Apparently when I started this thing, I was not a happy camper! Most of these posts are about negative things or stemmed from unhappy feelings. Well that will change...for the next little bit anyways. God is showing me amazing things, my family is phenomenal, and I have really great friends. Life is amazing right now and I feel the need to share that as recently I have shared all the negatives. Time for the good! I don't really have anything specific to write on at this present moment but happy posts are on the way :)