Tomorrow is a big day. I have preliminary testings with the specialist who will be doing the big tests in a little while. I have been all over the map with my responses to this whole cancer scare. I will probably never forget that day in the doctor's office. You would have to know my doctor to fully appreciate this story. He is the type of doctor that never ever ever prescribes medication. He has solved all of my sicknesses with simple changes to my diet. He does not believe in pumping people full of chemicals to cover up their illnesses. (Because that is all prescription drugs do, they just cover up the symptoms. They rarely if ever actually cure someone.) Never have I seen up stressed about my questions or symptoms I have gone to see him about. In other words, he is very down to earth and does not get worked up about his patients' symptoms. He knows how to keep people calm and how to help them realize just because little Jimmy has a bruise on his arm it does not mean it will have to be amputated. When I went to him about random bruises and super dizzy spells, instead of referring to a lot of blood work and thinking of the worst case scenario, he simply showed me how to breathe while stretching so as to not cut off the oxygen flow to my brain and told me to stop being so clumsy as to repeatedly walk into walls and tables. (I still swear the walls keep moving.) All that to say when that day came when I was sitting in his office and saw him scared about what could possibly be going on inside me, it showed me how serious this might be.
I didn't react to what he was saying while I was in his office. It was more shock that was washing over me. All I could think about was how many people in my family history have died from cancer. It is a disgusting thing to think about. It was not until I walked out of his office and was sitting in my car did it hit me what this might mean. I decided right there that if this does turn out to be cancer, it will not kill me. My family will not see me weak and sick. I will stay strong and battle this out.
Outside my parents and sisters, no one in my family believes in God. This thought struck me as I sat in my car outside the doctor's office. I had prayed just a few days before for my family. I had asked God to use anything to please show them His love and grace so they might come to Him. That prayer came back to my memory. Could God be allowing cancer in my body to bring their attention to Him? At that moment I felt honoured. I told God that if I need to have cancer in order for my grandparents to know His saving grace then bring it on. I dedicated myself to be a testimony through it all so they might know Him. If the verdict was to come back that it is cancer, I would tell my parents and my sisters that they too need to be strong and be the testimonies our family needs to see. This does not mean I am asking for cancer; I am just asking to be used however He wills. I am begging even if it means for me to go through the hell that is cancer, my family might be saved.
I am nervous about tomorrow. I am praying it all comes back clean as a slate. I am just writing all this so I am reminded of the sacrifice I signed up for. I pray with all my heart that I am healthy and cancer-free but more than that I pray that I will be willing to be used however God wills. If that means cancer then so be it but let's pray He has another plan for me.
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